In Search of a Queen

"In Search of a Queen"

In 138 days the Jailbait Queen of Hollywood becomes dethroned. November 23^rd, 2010 is a date that will live in infamy. It’s when Destiny Hope Cryus, also known as Miley, turns eighteen. While many men around the world will rejoice on this day, I will simply hang my head, because for this guy SOME of her luster will be lost.

There is no denying that right now Miley is the Jailbait Queen. She is an established teen idol through her hit Disney Channel show “Hannah Montana”, in which she plays lead character Miley Stewart by day and pop singer Hannah Montana by night (such a stretch from her normal life) She has been included in Time Magazine’s Top 100 Most Influential People in the World list. Parade magazine stated that she is the richest teen celebrity, with her franchise totaling over a billion dollars. She’s been involved in racy photo controversies, given guys lap dances, and recently released a very provocative video. She has also appeared at the Academy Awards, released a more “serious” movie (The Last Song) and a new album “Can’t Be Tamed”. It’s easy to see that she dominates over the other artists in her age range, even if she isn’t as talented as them.

But when she turns the big eighteen, who is going to be left to take her place. Who will we look at with inappropriate thoughts based on her age? Who will we laugh about over beers on a Friday night? Miley getting older is taken these things away from us. Sure she’ll still be in trouble, but honestly it’s not as much fun without the thrill of doing something illegal. Hell, that’s why drinking in high school was so cool.

I’m here today to offer a list of some candidates to fill the stiletto heels of Ms. Miley. Although the list isn’t full of can’t misses it’s bound to contain the next underage nudity scandal on Prez Hilton, that I promise you.

First up, we have the lovely Taylor Momsen. She is best known for playing Cindy Lou Who, in the Jim Carey live action remake of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”. She filmed that role, however, when she was only seven years old. Now, nearly ten years later and Taylor is emerging as the front-runner in the “Search for a Jailbait Queen” sweepstakes.

Currently, Taylor is playing Jenny Humhrey on the CW’s Gossip Girl, based on the teen book series of the same name. Jenny is a little blonde haired bitch that is trying to be queen bee of her high school, sell drugs with her dealer boyfriend, and try to bang her stepsister’s boyfriend. Gossip Girl is a hot mess, but it does one thing right, it puts this girl in the forefront of my television set every Monday, along with Blake Lively’s boobs...but that’s another story.

Taylor also is the lead singer of the band “The Pretty Reckless”. The band is currently playing on the Van’s Warped Tour and has just signed a deal to Interscope Records. While performing with the band Taylor wears nothing more then lingerie. Further adding to her likeness of Miley, whos outfits over the past few tour dates have drawn media criticism.

And just for shits and giggles Time Magazine listed Taylor as one of their Most Beautiful People of the Year. The girl is only sixteen, it’s clear that she’s going places.

Overall, Taylor cannot top the power that is Miley. She is certainly racy enough, judging by the pictures provided. She also, like Miley, is a singer but the thing that she lacks is the drive to the next level. Miley was shot there, out of a cannon that was named Disney. Taylor doesn’t have that kind of backing, and probably never will. If she’s going to reach international attention, or Hollywood media whore she’s going to need to work a little harder. Miley has her beat in both regards.

Plus, not only does she have Miley to look up to, she has someone breathing down her neck challenging her for Jailbait Queen of the Future. You might have guessed it, you might be surprised but on the pecking order Dakota Fanning stands at second. That’s right Special Ed, she’s second!

Dakota Fanning is hands down the best actress on this list, she even chumps up Miley in that regard. As Special Ed pointed out to me, Dakota stands toe to toe with Jeff Spiccoli in “I Am Sam”, that isn’t an easy task to perform. For that role she became the youngest person to ever be nominated for a Screen Actors Guild Award. I don’t care who you are, or where you come from it takes some chops to do something like that.

Fanning however, somewhere along the path to next Jailbait Queen, took a wrong turn and ended up in “The Secret Life of Bees” with this shit head, and that shit head, and this person who wouldn’t hire Special Ed. She also ended up in "War of the Worlds" with the biggest shit head ever. She did some damage control rather recently though, landing herself in "Charlotte’s Web", which I think everyone had to read at some point, and then being cast as the voice of Coraline in the movie of same name. Not to mention her appearances in the latest two Twilight movies: "New Moon" and "Eclipse", where she plays Volturi member, Jane.

If I’m judging this straight off of acting talent then Fanning wins. She was the youngest member to ever join the Academy of Motion Picture Art and Sciences, and was listed by Forbes as the fourth highest earning star under twenty one. If this is the only criterion then Fanning takes the crown in a landslide, however it’s not.

Where is Dakota Fanning’s racy photo shoot? Or shitty camera phone pics to her boyfriend? They are nonexistent, which kind of pisses me off. If this girl is going to be making the media rounds then why isn’t some hacker trying his hardest to find these for us, the American people? I think that’s selfish, hackers, get out there and do your freaking job.

While Fanning is hot, and while she is a great young actress, the slipper on this Cinderella needs to be a stripper heel, not a ballet flat. Fanning is a great actress but she can’t hold a candle to the racy image of Miley, or Taylor for that matter. Because of this she falls short. Let’s be honest acting talent has nothing to do with your Jailbait Queen status, how else do you think Miley got there?

I thought about trying to find a Disney starlet, cause after all that’s how Miley got her fame. I did some poking around and I found someone who may fit the bill. Let’s give her the test.

Her name is Selena Gomez. She’s gorgeous. She’s young and she likes wearing a bikini. Sounds like a match made in heaven. My favorite part though, she used to be on Barney. That’s right, the Big Purple dinosaur. My friends, we might have found the next Jailbait Queen, or did we?

Selena is in a musical act, it’s called Selena Gomez and the Scene. Judging by the small clip Wikipedia offers on her page, the band is absolutely terrible, but apparently they did have a gold record back in March. You have to wonder if she isn’t taking advantage of the Disney Media Machine the same way Miley and her camp did. Judging by the fact that Selena Gomez and the Scene are set to release their sophomore album in Septermber, I say she is taking full advantage. Just like Miley she is a “musician” and a byproduct of excellent Disney marketing.

I think what Selena brings to the table is her sense of entrepreneurship. She is the head of her own production company that allows her to hire writers, option articles and create talent packages to shop to studios. So basically it sounds like she’s playing Eric from Entourage.

If you ask me, that’s a pretty sweet gig for a sixteen year old who already has money to burn. She has also created her own fashion line called “Dream Out Loud”. It doesn’t seem that the clothes have landed in stores yet, but you’d have to imagine it would be similar to Miley’s exclusive deal with Wal-Mart.

Also, where as Dakota Fanning has been nominated for a SAG award, Selena has won an Emmy. She shares the Emmy with the entire cast of Wizards of Waverly Place, a hit Disney TV show. Sound familiar?Which of the two is more prestigious? I’m not saying that Selena is packing the acting chops that Dakota has proven to have, I’m simply saying that Selena is well on he way into finding her own voice.

She has two movies set to come out soon, "Ramona and Beezus", based off the children’s books series “Ramona”, in which she plays Beezus. Then she has "Monte Carlo", which I’m semi looking forward to. The cast includes Katie Cassidy (sex) and Leighton Meester (sex, sex[NSFW]). It’s a romantic comedy that has the three of them posing as socialites in Monaco. It’s going to be bad, but there is no denying those girls are smoking.

However, Selena isn’t ready to take things to that next level. Evidence, is that purity ring on her finger. That’s going to be a hindrance to her becoming the next Queen. She should just throw that thing in the ocean and embrace her true calling. She’s certainly cute enough to be the next Jailbait Queen, but is she racy enough...probably not.

In trying to find my Damsel in Distress I took a long look around the Internet . I found it chock full of worthy candidates. In fact, some of the ones I investigated turned out to be over eighteen, which is just no fun, flat out. They included the following:

First, Bristol “The Pistol” Palin(on the left). Imagine that for a second, a potential first daughter of Jailbait. I mean when was the last time there was a good-looking girl in the White House. Was it Chelesa Clinton? I don’t think so. I don’t think either Obama girl is line for the Jailbait throne either. Bristol Palin could’ve been our last chance at someone, who wasn’t married, getting a blowjob in the Oval Office. Levi Johnston would immediately be on my “I Hate This Famous For No Reason Asshole” list. However, this tale ends sadly due to Bristol’s nutso mother. Sarah Palin should not be anywhere near Washington, D.C. ever. Also Bristol, as previously mentioned, is too old.

The other overage girl to come across my travels was Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney’s little sister. Looks like Big Sis passed on the whore genes as Jamie Lynn is most noted for gettingpregnant at sixteen. Now that’s the kind of scandal we want for the Jailbait Queen. Even better, she was on a hit Nick show that could’ve put her on that Miley level. However, she was responsible and took time off from the show to care for her baby. As far as I know, she’s managed to stay out of the limelight as well. That’s no fun. Instead of going to the Jailbait Ball, she stayed home to wash her hair.

I just don’t think Miley can be topped. Young Hollywood is starting to get less trashy, which is good for business, but bad for creeps like me. Miley was the last great hope. I’ll still be a big Miley fan when she turns eighteen, I will just hate that there will be no young girl to take her presence. We need someone racy. We need someone semi-sexy. We need someone who can sell records and movies just by showing up.

For a while there was Britney Spears, she redefined the title of Jailbait. Then Lindsay Lohancame along, and then the torch was handed to Miley. Let’s hope she follows in the footsteps of those two great former Jaiblati Queens and is making out with girls and flashing her naughty bits everywhere in a few years.

If she doesn’t, we have 138 days to find us a new Queen. God speed, America.